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You are watching: Hanging up on someone psychology


I had actually a bitch of a girlfriend who "arguing style" contained a most annoying trait. When she was unable to take care of hearing an alternative allude of view on something, she would conveniently escalate to a rage-state and also eventually just hang up the phone call (or abruptly, there is no warning, log off of chat). This was such a constant behavior, even in situations of reasonably minor disagreements, the it acquired me thinking about what could be behind it.Mind you, I"m no psychologist. Yet I think I have it figured out.Consider the aftermath of a hang-up because that the hanger-upper. The act of hanging increase is a manage act. The hanger-upper asserts immediate manage over the conversation and the various other person. This is important. Your partner might not admit to being a control freak. However this is a telltale clue.Another important advantage for the hanger-upper is the disconnecting automatically, instantaneously, gets rid of a painful negative stimulus. Native an operant conditioning suggest of view, this is a self-reinforcing behavior.So it"s a double-whammy because that the hanger-upper. By hanging up, she achieves a emotion of strength while simultaneously eliminating a painful an unfavorable stimulus. What can be better?But what about the hanger-uppee? What room the consequences for the person who"s gift hung up on?Well the course, very first of every you feel favor you"ve to be distanced. It"s an dreadful silence top top the other finish of the line.But mostly it"s a feeling of abandonment. It"s definitely an plot of abandonment by the human being who hangs up.What are the emotions feeling by someone who is exit by a loved one?Powerlessness: You space unable, also in theory, to proceed the conversation v the various other person. You have actually no control at almost everywhere your situation. You"ve been robbed of any type of power, any type of influence.Hopelessness: There"s no expect of to win the discussion or bringing the other human being back. They"ve currently left.Loneliness: You have gone native a two-person interaction to one person. You"re by yourself.In short, her partner has punished you by making friend impotent -- powerless. At the exact same time, she (or he) has actually reclaimed power and also obtained a solid (if short-lived) "high" native the plot of hanging up. In ~ the really moment that disconnecting, the hanger-upper feels a rush, a hugely satisfying emotion of empowerment. This satisfaction is really short-lived, though, like the buzz from your first morning cigaret. In fact, if the human being in question has any kind of conscience in ~ all, it"s followed some time later on (maybe minutes or hours, but an ext likely days) by feelings of guilt. The person will concerned you the following day and try to do up. She will shot to define her actions as an "overreaction" or an impulse, or unintentional, or a temporary lapse that judgment. It was none of those things. In fact, when you listen that type of explanation, you are not hearing an apology (or even an explanation), but an excuse. It means "I understand what ns did to be wrong, however it felt great at the time and also I"ll do it again in the future."I dug deeper into my girl"s background, and also here"s what ns found.At a formative period (adolescent), she father left she mother. The dad now dates one of the daughter"s previous high institution teachers. Father and also daughter periodically talk top top the phone, however daughter currently hates dad (even today, at age 32), and also she generally ends phone conversations by hanging up on she father.My (ex)girlfriend loves she mom, defends her together a saint. She no her dad, castigates him together a selfish, cruel person.It all renders sense now. When her dad left her mother, my girlfriend"s dad to be engaging in an action of abandonment -- a kind of hanging up. My girlfriend to be young in ~ the time and keenly felt the feeling of powerlessness applied on her and her mother. They were powerless to bring the guy back. Powerless even to plead because that reconsideration. Powerless in the most basic sense the not having the capability (even in theory) to be heard.My girl friend learned native this experience, at very early age, the the means to gain power end a man -- and also punish him because that his insolence and also disrespect for you (because after all, as soon as you feel powerless and disrespected, you seek power and respect constantly, you make a fetish the end of it) -- is to hang up ~ above him. Abandon him. The means you to be abandoned.I feeling sorry because that someone choose that. They"re important damaged goods. And also they"re going to go with life imposing their very own psychological damages on others.I feel pity. However not forgiveness. World who hang up ~ above me can deserve every the pity in the world, however you understand what? crude oil assholes have the right to go fvck themselves, i don"t treatment how good a blowjob castle give.
Posted byJonathan Bigg Hartat8:59 AM
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96 comments:

MarkSeptember 1, 2009 at 10:10 AM

Just need a readjust of perspective. Something i was told as soon as I to be young that always made this much easier for me - The human who hangs up has lost the argument. It's like making a an individual insult as soon as you can't success the debate.A couple exes of mine would certainly hang-up if it was over-the-phone and if in-person would blurt one abrupt "Stop, you're do my mind hurt!" The indistinguishable to spanning her ears and also singing.Bad indications if you're an analytical type. It way your arguments will never end in reason, unless it's the various other person's reasoning.

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AnonymousSeptember 1, 2009 at 11:02 AM

Emotional conversations are around just that: emotion, no logic. If you were saying while she was expressing, climate you weren't listening, you to be attacking she so she take it a drastic measure to make that stop.Just a guess. Girlfriend sound favor an ass to me though.

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AnonymousSeptember 1, 2009 in ~ 2:16 PM

Speaking as a mrs who has done this, I'm sorry yet I'm walking to need to agree through the three comments above me.Men argue through logical (most, yet certainly no all lol) and women argue with emotion (most, no all). A most times women want an emotional outlet and who much better to find that in 보다 someone they care for? even if it is it be a friend, family members member, or a boyfriend/fiance/husband/lover...I've hung increase on a male I'm talking to since he simply wasn't listening come me. Ns wasn't trying to be an ass (though I'm certain I was) yet I lastly pleaded to drop the conversation and also it didn't stop! So ns would sign off or hang the end (or thrive silent). If I'm venting i don't want the logistics the what I'm doing... Frequently times emotions space NOT logical in ~ all, therefore why would you shot to call me this? when hanging up may be an humiliation to you, telling me I'm wrong because that the method I've thought or reaction to something that I've obviously get an impression passionate about it a slap to the confront as well.I'm no saying you're dorn on everything in this blog, some of it deserve to be check out as fairly on par... These women sound like they have been hurt and are damaged goods. That space they are simply immature and not all set for any relationship. Take it for what it is and leave the behind you.

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AnonymousSeptember 1, 2009 at 7:04 PM

I disagree with my anonymous brethren above. They would have actually us believe that compromise is only a one-way street, where the "logical" room expected to do allowances for the "emotional." therefore what if your companion is being as well logical over any given issue? Both parties must make the painful choice to weaken and shot to see points from each others' perspectives. Hanging up *is* simply a childish power play and also shows an inability to compromise.

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Jonathan Bigg HartSeptember 2, 2009 in ~ 10:14 AM

Many many thanks to the lady that commented (and everyone else also), however you understand what? Anyone that is therefore rude as to hang increase on another person must go f*ck themselves. I don't treatment what their excuse is. Why space you defending the behavior? WTF go "emotion" vs. "logic" have to do with an excellent manners? room you kidding me?

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AnonymousMarch 23, 2013 at 4:18 PM

In mine opinion, healthy adults have actually no control or strength over another adult that is capable of do their very own decisions. Healthy, maturation adults have control/power end themselves via cost-free will. And any adult that abruptly hangs up a phone has actually temporarily lost manage of themselves. The behavior is pretty par because that the course v children and adolescents. Ideally, agree social communication an abilities are mastered by the moment we reach adulthood. You can stop acquisition calls completely or gently, yet firmly, remind others the manners together with calm, clear communication is main to understanding and that nothing is gained by simply hanging up. Everyone benefits indigenous this - children, teens and adults alike.

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jazzybJanuary 14, 2014 in ~ 3:47 PM

my child's father hangs up on me and threatens to leave after every f'kn disagreement/debate/ argument. My own father hasn't remained in my life for over 13 years and yes it deserve to make girlfriend feel somewhat abandoned yet it doesn't need to be the package you carry into her relationships. If you had respect for your spouse and also truly love them you wouldn't it is in so full of despite the to treat them together if lock don't issue .If you desire to plot immature and selfish that's specifically what will take place your walking to end up alone. Nobody deserves come be cure that means in a relationship. Ive put up through soooo lot drama and also b.s and I still listen to what he has actually too to speak .Theres no reason excuse to act hat way..Usually just cheaters and or liars behave in a defensive an unfavorable rude path ...if the spouse is disrespectfull. Let them take that shit to someone less deserving the a respectfull union. Who desire a grown ass human to act choose a son throwing a tantrum....one foot in the door and also another foot in your ass.....

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UnknownJanuary 22, 2014 at 7:33 PM

Hanging up on someone is a choice.How YOU handle it is what's important. Follow your gut and stand your ground. The very first time. Consistency is key.

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AnonymousFebruary 10, 2014 in ~ 12:26 PM

Perhaps she gained so upset with what you to be saying, that the choice of hanging up was much an ext appealing come her 보다 saying something same vile to you. Likewise I have tried to end an argument, v comments the this is going no where lets take a break and continue this conversation when we room both calm, and have the other person not let go of it, save railing or shouting his opinion in ~ me. To me this was linguistic abuse, ignoring mine requests come calm points down or to change the subject. So i hung up, usually regretting it nearly instantly and calling earlier but yes. Sometimes things need a reboot so to speak. Perhaps human being need to take a look at how they argue, room you just flinging a wire of abusive insults the the other person is required to listen to due to the fact that of some social obligation to not hang up the phone? are you listening come her? or is it just a one sided slam fest. Girlfriend can't intend a human being to listen to you abuse them verbally, not offering them a chance to defend or interject. The just option occasionally is to end the conversation. If a human is irrationally screaming at me and also won't calm down no matter what I shot to execute or say, I will leave the room and let them gain back some type of control over themselves. Verbal abuse is practically as negative as physics abuse. What you room saying is akin to telling an abused mrs "Oh so he broke your sleep well simply stand there till he's done with the remainder of your face! Don't you recognize its not polite to leaving a room while an additional person is beating ~ above you?"

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AnonymousNovember 25, 2014 at 1:40 PM

And P.S. I completely disagree with these comments about it being a slam fest. Periodically we room talking through our feelings and the other human is yelling insults and hanging up. Hanging up and also cutting someone off is the most vicious type of abuse and also no one must justify it.

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AnonymousJune 24, 2016 in ~ 2:18 PM

This article is so means off, civilization don't cave up on someone to gain control over someone, it's commonly done to end an discussion that's obtaining nowhere or insults space being hauled. You (the writer of this article) come across as condescending and also critical; u in reality posted around ur ex past history as if that describes why she hung up on u but just from analysis this article and also the reply u gave around people that don't agree can "go f*ck themselves," I'm pretty certain she hung increase on you because she got exhausted of listening come the insults and disrespect from you. Since it seems like you can't expropriate that human being will disagree through you there is no you insulting and becoming disrespectful come them.

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UnknownJanuary 5, 2017 at 11:58 AM

I to to be a victim that the proverbial hanger upper and though ns agree it reasons a emotion of abandonment in me which runs deep together I was abused prior to I have concerned a conclusion that my function in the relationship is to it is in a helper and a healer. I believe true love and also companionship needs this view as any type of other would certainly be selfish. People, particularly those we love worthy compassion though we might label them at times together damaged goods. I agree that hanging increase is a control mechanism based in protectionism. That is selfish in nature, the is malicious design to reason hurt in the target and worse however they have actually no remorse for just how you feel. Most would say walk away you perform not deserve that treatment as soon as in fact it's no that girlfriend don't deserve it the truth is you require to take care of it and also handle that correctly. Ns have come to understand mine hanger upper was abused and also abandoned as a child in addition to being in various other abusive cases she had actually no manage over. Is she so called damaged goods? Yes. My project is to love her and un-damage she and help her heal. The other an option is to walk away and suggest to she to go to counseling or therapy. We space all damaged in some way and hurt people hurt people. We were designed to it is in in relationship and also we can't operation every time points don't suit us. That too is selfish. If love is really what it is suppose to be then words prefer patience, perserverance, and endurance come to be vitally important. In ~ the same time a person deserve to only take so lot abuse and they must leave the connection to save themselves if the hanger upper is hell bend on destruction. If you are astute enough to find out the factor behind she hurt and also pain and also you love her enough then your function is to put on your armor and go to battle on instead of of the woman you love. You need to attract clear boundaries and also you need to lovingly interact your intention and also your battle plan. You need to tell below that you room going to defend her emotions v all your strength and also all her might and stand with her versus the demons that the past. This is the function of a warrior. This is what real guys do as soon as they love someone. In mine opinion any man that cannot do this is no worth marrying anyway. He will wander looking for the perfect woman that does not exist and also every time that gets challenging he will leave. You won't have the ability to count ~ above him. However, I will in the same breath speak there are some females that have the right to be for this reason emotionally hurt the therapy and counseling room required before they deserve to have a healthy relationship. You just need to be smart enough to acknowledge them and stay away.I'm in love with my little hanger upper and also understand what's behind the behavior. Deep down is a frightened, scared small girl crying in ache believing, hoping and also praying the there is a man worth loving that won't walk away, that won't abuse or take advantage in selfish ways. I'm here to assist her heal, to command the method to recognize that she behavior and also responses space coming native a ar long ago and together we can overcome if you enable me in near enough and you room willing enough to achieve total vulnerability and access with a thank you very much heart and full honesty. This is what males do when they understand their character is in ~ stake. Yet a man has actually a breaking allude and if the fight gets to intense by all method save yourself and walk away. But real males are no afraid of a an excellent fight and also if you really love she then prepare for battle and also with faith and love fight hard for her and also fight to win.