Based in Phoenix, Arizona Brandon to be born and also raised in Utah in the Mormon Church. This blog is designed come educate, enlighten, and serve together a resource for others who might find us in the very same situation.

Growing increase in the Mormon Church ns remember a film strip (yes, ns am a son of the 70’s) and earlier then we had actually a ward (congregation) library that’s many technologically advanced piece of equipment was a film piece projector, a cassette tape player and a hand cranked xerox device hooked come a tin complete of to press fluid). The film strip was dubbed “I’ll construct You a Rainbow/ households are Forever”. This film touched me deeply, an extremely deeply. It was a an easy story that a boy about my age and also his ideal friend, his mom. Since music has constantly been my toughness (and my weakness), the haunting soundtrack (narration backed by music) to be what impacted me most and I found any and also every excuse to clock it as frequently as ns could:

(link to video clip at the end of this blog)

I"ll construct you a rainbow, way high increase above,Send under the sunlight beams, plums full of love,Sprinkle down raindrops, teardrops that joy,I"ll be happy in spring time, watching end my boy.

You are watching: I ll build you a rainbow

Once there was a boy named Jaimie,He had lots of good friends,But his best friend was his mom,Not in some sissy way or anything favor that,She just was different from every the various other moms.See while every the various other moms to be going to theirFashion shows, and bridge parties,She"ll remain home and have lengthy talks and also bike rides through Jaimie.And at once she was even considered to be among the bestFootball players on the block.One work Jaimie was called home from schoolAnd together he was running homeHe observed this good big ambulance parked infront that his house.And together he gotten in down the hallwayHe experienced his dad talking to a doctorHis dad said"Jaimie, come in your mommy wants to view you."And as he opened the door he witnessed his mommy laying thereAnd she turned she head and said"Hey large Jay" also though he wasn"t big.But he had actually a huge heartShe said"Jaimie, I"m leaving and I won"t be coming back"Jaimie says" Bu-but why mom... Who"m ns goin to play withAnd who"m ns goin to speak too... And how"m ns goin come knowThat her there mom?"His mother says"Because Jaimie, family members are forever"

I"ll build you a rainbow,Way high increase above,Send under the sunlight beams, (send under the sunlight beams)Plums complete of love,Sprinkle under rain drops, (sprinkle down rain drops)Tear drops of joy,I"ll be happy in spring timeWatching over my boy.

She closed her eyes and also she was gone,As the ambulance pulled awayJaimie" dad broke down and also started to cry.As Jaimie felt his dad"s tear drops on his cheek,He began to cry too.But as he looked up end the skySure enough there was a great big rainbow end his house.And that said"Dad, daddy it"s alrightBecause family members are forever."

I"ll develop you rainbow, method high increase above,Send under the sun beams, (send under the sun beams)Plums full of love,Sprinkle under rain drops, (sprinkle down rain drops)Tear drops of joy,I"ll be happy in spring time watching over my boy.I"ll be happy in sky watching over my boy.I love you mom.

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I feared losing my mommy from a very young age therefore film (and for the truth that my own mother had lost her biological mother when she was really young and then lost her step mother when ns was 18), however it was one that i watched as regularly as i could. In fact, as I was looking youtube to uncover a copy that the filmstrip, I stopped to clock it again. It appears strange to clock it now, forty years later. Funny exactly how this one phrase stuck the end to me together a happy man…”But his biggest friend was his mom, no in some sissy method or anything choose that”. Even then, as a young boy that didn’t know why i felt different from the other boys, didn’t recognize why i was a bit more in touch with my feelings, to be being put down and taught the being any type of kind that “sissy” was wrong or broken.

The post was right forward mormon doctrine, gain your time through your loved ones and also live as you room told and also you will watch your household members again after ~ death and all through eternity. Cause families space forever, right?? clear in the naivety of mine youth, ns took all of this very seriously and also happily ever after-ish. This film additionally embedded into my soul, the idea the it to be my obligation if I wanted to watch my love ones again, after we die. If ns didn’t somehow live approximately what was supposed of me by church leaders then God would certainly somehow refuse me this promise of seeing my love ones again?

I realize currently that this was one of my an initial memories that the church making use of guilt, programming and my exceptionally sensitive feelings as a tool to control and shape mine life. To be a stalwart, life long, holy place attending, tithe paying, mission walk cog in the wheel that would aid to continue this church’s rhetoric because that generations come come. And at the time, and also for the next 40 years, i was all in.

General Mormon doctrine teaches that only faithful, obedient, straight youngsters of God will be able to return to heaven in one of the Mormon developed levels of sky they speak to kingdoms. The family members unit is bound right here on earth only through special, sacred, (secret) and frankly, very weird and frightening , holy place ordinances. That was constantly a concern on mine mind how this would all come together after us all die. Would certainly my Father and Mother be v their parents and also their household they flourished up with? wherein would me and also my brothers fit into that picture? What about my uncle Layne on mine dads side and my aunt Annette on my moms, that were both definitely not living as a an excellent Mormon need to be living according to what i was being taught in ~ church? would certainly they just not be there? Anytime i asked inquiries such as these, i was told that it didn’t matter and God would sort every little thing out. “No need to stress about it below on earth”……Well uneven its you the is doing the sinning, climate yes, that time to worry about it. (seeing any type of hypocrisy below yet?)

I was taught come look under on world such together my aunt and uncle that were drinking and also smoking. These human being were picking sin, and also it to be my job to point that out and also to show them the way. Ns was far better than them, I had actually been liked to be an elect son of God with a special, divine mission to help gather his kingdom in the last days. The is until I determined to live an yes, really life and come out together a gay man at the age of 45. It is when every little thing changed. Suddenly I ended up being the kid in my family members that damaged his covenants. The brother that “went against everything I ever before knew to be true”. The child who damaged the eternal family thing for anyone else, because clearly now that ns am gay ns will definitely not be allowed into one of the kingdoms where the remainder of my family will be.

It’s a little serendipitous exactly how this film about a rainbow was such a big part of mine life together an 8 year old boy. Now, as a 50 year old, dad of 3 amazing, beautiful kids, husband to an amazing man who makes me far better each day, rainbows space still, ironically a price of exactly how I belong. Just how I to the right in. Just how I to be accepted.