For reasons too stupid to explain, I very own a 10-foot-long, 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting machine. No, I am not a quilter. I am not a quilter in the exact same means that I am not a giraffe. Which is to say: in eexceptionally feasible means. Let’s simply say I thought I might use a 400-pound $7,000 <…>


For reasons also stupid to describe, I very own a 10-foot-long, 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting machine. No, I am not a quilter. I am not a quilter in the same way that I am not a giraffe. Which is to say: in eincredibly possible means.

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Let’s just say I believed I could usage a 400-pound $7,000 longarm quilting machine to execute X for my organization, wbelow X has actually nopoint to execute via making quilts. But as soon as the machine had arrived and also been assembled via a lot personal exertion, then – surprise! – it couldn’t do X. It could quilt exceptionally nicely, yes indeed it could. But I necessary it to do X. Which it was not designed to carry out. Did I point out that I am not a quilter?

And so the brand-new 400-pound $7,000 longarm quilting machine sat in my studio, mocking me. It whispered points at me prefer, “Mistakes were made,” and “Yes, your butt looks significant in those pants.” Later, in my desires, it increased its 17-inch sewing arm and waved its 360-degree free-movement needle at me, chanting “Seven thousand dollars of your investors’ money! Bwah-ha-ha!”

And so it became vital to kill it.

Friends, that among us has actually not tried to dispose of a 400-pound $7,000 longarm quilting machine? Sudepend you recognize how tough it is.

Selling it on Ebay for $5,000 plus shipping.Selling it on Ebay for $4,000 through totally free shipping.Auctioning it on Ebay for whatever the hell someone would certainly pay.Pleading through the world who followed my Ebay auctions to tell me why they would not bid. I finally acquired an answer: my machine is an off-brand. Everybody desires a Gammill brand also. Well, Gammill can go suck an egg.Returning it to the manufacturer. Their laughter still stings.Ignoring it for, oh, around a year and a fifty percent. It did not go amethod.Posting it for sale on eincredibly online quilting forum on this planet.Emailing prominent longarm quilter females – yes, there are significant longarm quilter females, many them – to ask for advice. Shelp advice was fruitmuch less.Placing ads in a number of quilting magazines and also newsletters (I parted with my very own legal tender! The machine is winning.)

When I relocated out of my studio last year, my brother Jon assisted me dismantle the quilter and fill it right into 2 massive wooden crates. The quilter, sensing trouble, little Jon on the thumb, resulting in some bloodmelted and also bad karma (see documentary photo).


I told the Nice Young Man who was moving in to the studio after me that I would be rid of the 2 substantial crates in a short time, and can I simply leave them in the studio for a bit? I was courageously lying, and also bereason he is a Nice Young Man he believed me and also agreed. I’ve viewed him about tvery own in the year since then, and also he has end up being not rather so nice. The quilter will do that to you.

These days, my 10-foot-long, 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting machine is a sliver of nastiness in my brain. Since I have actually foisted it on the Nice Young Man I don’t have to look at it, but it does rear its needles in my mind sometimes. Then the regrets pile up: I never before should have bought the damn thing. I never before have to have actually passed it off on the Nice Young Man. I never before must have actually slept through that male freshmale year in college. And so on.

My brvarious other has actually a plan. We rent a truck, drive the quilter approximately Boston and also take it on the ferry to Provincetown. Halfway through the ferry ride, we gracecompletely reminder the 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting machine into the Cape Cod Bay. We arrive in Provincetvery own and also have a celebratory drink.

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