For factors too stupid to explain, I very own a 10-foot-long, 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting machine. No, i am not a quilter. Ns am no a quilter in the same means that i am not a giraffe. Which is to say: in every possible way. Let’s simply say I thought I could use a 400-pound $7,000 <…>

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For factors too stupid to explain, I very own a 10-foot-long, 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting machine. No, i am not a quilter. I am not a quilter in the same means that i am no a giraffe. I beg your pardon is come say: in every feasible way.

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Let’s simply say I assumed I could use a 400-pound $7,000 longarm quilting an equipment to perform X because that my business, whereby X has nothing to perform with make quilts. Yet once the an equipment had arrived and been assembled with much personal exertion, then – surprise! – the couldn’t execute X. It can quilt an extremely nicely, yes certainly it could. However I needed it to do X. Which the was not designed come do. Walk I mention that ns am not a quilter?

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And for this reason the brand-new 400-pound $7,000 longarm quilting maker sat in my studio, mocking me. That whispered things at me like, “Mistakes were made,” and also “Yes, your target looks big in those pants.” Later, in my dreams, it increased its 17-inch sewing arm and waved that is 360-degree free-motion needle at me, chanting “Seven thousands dollars of your investors’ money! Bwah-ha-ha!”


And so it came to be necessary to death it.

Friends, who amongst us has not tried to dispose that a 400-pound $7,000 longarm quilting machine? for sure you know how challenging it is.


Selling it on Ebay because that $5,000 add to shipping.Selling that on Ebay because that $4,000 with cost-free shipping.Auctioning the on Ebay for everything the hell someone would pay.Pleading v the human being who followed my Ebay auctions to tell me why they would not bid. I ultimately got one answer: my maker is one off-brand. Everybody desires a Gammill brand. Well, Gammill can go suck an egg.Returning it come the manufacturer. Your laughter still stings.Ignoring the for, oh, about a year and also a half. The did no go away.Posting it because that sale on every virtual quilting forum top top this planet.Emailing significant longarm quilter females – yes, over there are prominent longarm quilter ladies, lots of them – to ask because that advice. Claimed advice was fruitless.Placing ads in several quilting magazines and newsletters (I parted with my own legal tender! The maker is winning.)

When I moved out of mine studio last year, my brother Jon assisted me dismantle the quilter and pack it right into two huge wooden crates. The quilter, sensing trouble, bit Jon ~ above the thumb, leading to some bloodshed and bad karma (see documentary photo).


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I called the quite Young man who was relocating in to the studio after ~ me that I would certainly be rid that the two enormous crates in a short time, and could I simply leave castle in the studio because that a bit? ns was courageously lying, and also because that is a pretty Young man he thought me and also agreed. I’ve viewed him around town in the year because then, and he has come to be not fairly so nice. The quilter will perform that come you.


These days, my 10-foot-long, 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting device is a sliver that nastiness in mine brain. Because I have actually foisted it on the nice Young male I don’t have to look at it, but it does rear its needles in mine mind sometimes. Climate the regrets heap up: I never should have bought the damn thing. I never ever should have actually passed it off on the pretty Young Man. I never should have slept through that guy freshman year in college. And also so on.

My brother has a plan. Us rent a truck, journey the quilter up to Boston and also take the on the ferry to Provincetown. Halfway with the ferry ride, us gracefully guideline the 400-pound, $7,000 longarm quilting maker into the Cape cod Bay. Us arrive in Provincetown and also have a celebratory drink.

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Other ideas?


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