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Thisbook is not just for those in their teens or early twenties, it also for women who feel devalued or depressed in their relationships.Thisbook will be your lifeline if you want to understand and end abusiverelationship.
Toldin a humorous way, the book does not get boring even for a few minutes. Ithoroughly enjoyed reading it. I wish every woman would read this book.
""Abuseof women in relationships touches an unimaginable number of lives. Even if weleave aside cases of purely verbal and mental abuse and just look at physicalviolence, the statistics are shocking:2 to 4 million women are assaulted bytheir partners per year in the United States. The U.S. Surgeon Generalhas declared that attacks by male partners are the number one cause ofinjury to women between the ages of fifteen and forty-four…Governmentstatistics indicate that 1,500 to 2,000 women are murdered by partners andex-partners per year, comprising more than one-third of all female homicidevictims, and that these homicides almost always follow a history of violence,threats, or stalking.""
""Theabuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different personfrom day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive andintimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule drippingfrom him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode,nothing she says seems tohave any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argumentcounts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists herwords around so that she always ends up on the defensive.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Likeanyone with a serious problem, abusers work hard to keep their true selveshidden.Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing youthat you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share theblame. But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannotmake things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manageyour partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Insidethe abuser ’s mind, there is a world of beliefs, perceptions, and responsesthat fits together in a surprisingly logical way. His behavior does makesense. Underneath the facade of irrationality and explosiveness, there is ahuman being with a comprehensible—and solvable—problem. But he doesn’t want youto figure him out.The abuser creates confusion because he has to.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Themythology about abusive men that runs through modern culture has been createdlargely by the abusers themselves. Abusive men concoct explanations for theiractions which they give to their partners, therapists, clergypeople, relatives,and social researchers. But it is a serious error to allow abusers to analyzeand account for their own problems. Would we ask an active alcoholic to tell uswhy he or she drinks, and then accept the explanation unquestioningly?""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Anabusive man may embellish his childhood suffering once he discovers that ithelps him escape responsibility… I am not saying that you should beunsympathetic to your partner ’s childhood suffering. An abusive man deservesthe same compassion that a non-abusive man does, neither more nor less. But a non-abusiveman doesn’t use his past as an excuse to mistreat you. Feeling sorry for yourpartner can be a trap, making you feel guilty for standing up to hisabusiveness.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Whetherhe presents himself as the victim of an ex-partner, or of his parents, theabuser ’s aim—though perhaps unconscious—is to play on your compassion, so thathe can avoid dealing with his problem.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Ihave known many couples over the years who had passion and electricity betweenthem and who treated each other well. But unfortunately there is wide acceptancein our society of the unhealthy notion that passion and aggression areinterwoven and that cruel verbal exchanges and bomb-like explosions are theprice you pay for a relationship that is exciting, deep, and sexy.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Ifa man routinely intimidates people, watch out. Sooner or later, he will turnhis intimidation on you. At first it may make you feel safe to be with a manwho frightens people, but not when your turn comes.""
""The abuser ’s problem lies above all in his beliefthat controlling or abusing his female partner is justifiable.""
""A man whose destructive behaviors are confined primarilyor entirely to intimate relationships is an abuser, not a psychiatric patient.""
""When you tryto improve an abuser ’s feelings about himself, his problem actually tends toget worse. An abusive man expects catering, and the more positive attention hereceives, the more he demands. He never reaches a point where he is satisfied,where he has been given enough. Rather, he gets used to the luxurious treatmenthe is receiving and soon escalates his demands.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""The more power these
""Do we see men whose progress in school or in theircareers grinds to a halt because of the constant criticism and undermining?Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex? Whereare the men who are fleeing to shelters in fear for their lives? How about theones who try to get to a phone to call for help, but the women block their wayor cut the line? The reason we don’t generally see these men is simple: They’rerare.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Unlike alcoholics or addicts, abusive men don’t ‘hitbottom.’They can continue abusing for twenty or thirty years, and their careersremain successful, their health stays normal, their friendships endure.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""You are not "enabling" your partner to mistreat you;he is entirely responsible for his own actions.""
""An abusive man often considers it his right tocontrol where his partner goes, with whom she associates, what she wears, andwhen she needs to be back home. He therefore feels that she should be gratefulfor any freedoms that he does choose to grant her.""
""An abuser can sometimes succeed at convincing peoplethat his partner is so irrational and out of control, that her judgment is sopoor, that she has to be saved from herself.Never believe a man’s claim that hehas to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Physical caretaking is the focusof the more traditionally minded abuser. He expects his partner to make dinnerfor him the way he likes it, look after the children, clean the house, andperform an endlessly continuing list of additional tasks. He sees heressentially as an unpaid servant.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Abusive man considers himself above criticism. If hispartner attempts to raise her grievances, she is ‘nagging’ or ‘provoking’ him.He believes he should be permitted to ignore the damage his behavior iscausing, and he may become retaliatory if anyone tries to get him to look atit.""
""Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You donot respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom yourespect.""
""Few abusive men rely entirely on verbal abuse orintimidation to control their partners. Being a nonstop bully is too much work,and it makes the man look bad. If he is abusive all the time, his partnerstarts to recognize that she’s being abused, and the man may feel too guiltyabout his behavior. The abuser therefore tends to switch frequently tomanipulating his partner to get what he wants.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Abusive men are masters of excuse making. In thisrespect they are like substance abusers, who believe that everyone andeverything except them is responsible for their actions. When they aren’t blamingtheir partners, they blame stress, alcohol, their childhood, their children,their bosses, or their insecurities. More important, they feel entitled tomake these excuses.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Possessiveness is at the core of the abuser’smind-set, the spring from which all the other streams spout; on some level hefeels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Ironically, the most accusatory abusers are amongthe ones most likely to be cheating themselves; possessiveness and entitlementmake the abuser feel that it is acceptable for him to have affairs, but nother.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotionalinjuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’searly cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. Inother words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.""
""You are not crazy. Trust your perceptions of howyour abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Much of his
""An abuser of any type can have days when he turnsloving, attentive, and thoughtful. At these times, you may feel that hisproblem has finally gone away and that the relationship will return to its rosybeginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually unless the abuser hasdealt with his abusiveness.""
""Be cautious of the man who says that you are nothinglike the other women he has been involved with, that you are the first partnerto treat him well, or that earlier women in his life have not understood him.You will be tempted to work doubly hard to prove that you aren’t like thoseother women, and one foot will already be in the trap. It won’t be long beforehe is telling you that you are ‘just like the rest of them.’ His perceptualsystem ensures that no woman can be a good woman while she is involved withhim.""
""A man’s jealousy can be flattering. It feels greatthat he is wildly in love with you, that he wants you so badly. But a man canbe crazy about you without being jealous. Possessiveness shows that he doesn’tlove you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure. Aftera while, you will feel suffocated by his constant vigilance.""
""Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treatingtheir partners like gold when anyone is watching, reserving most of their abusefor times when no one else will see. In teenage abusers the opposite is oftentrue. He may be rude and cold with her in front of other people to impress hisfriends with how ‘in control’ and ‘cool’ he is but be somewhat nicer when theyare alone together.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Be aware that as an abuser begins his slide intoabuse, he believes that you are the one who is changing. His perceptionswork this way because he feels so justified in his actions that he can’timagine the problem might be with him. All he notices is that you don’t seem tobe living up to his image of the perfect, all-giving, deferential woman.""
""The term abuse is about power; itmeans that a person is taking advantage of a power imbalance to exploit orcontrol someone else. Wherever power imbalances exist, such as between men and women,or adults and children, or between rich and poor, some people will takeadvantage of those circumstances for their own purposes.""
""When you tell your partner that his yellingfrightens you, for example, and he responds that he has every right to yell ‘becauseyou’re not listening to me,’ that’s abuse.""
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men""The abusive man’s ability to convince himself that his domination of you is for your own good isparalleled by the dictator who says, "People in this country are too primitive for democracy." ""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Physical abuse is dangerous. Once it starts in arelationship, it can escalate over time to more serious assaults such asslapping, punching, or choking. Even if it doesn’t, so-called ‘lower-level’ physicalabuse can frighten you, give your partner power over you, and start to affectyour ability to manage your own life.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""women who are raped by intimate partners suffer evendeeper and longer-lasting effects than those who are raped by strangers or non-intimateacquaintances. If you have experienced sexual assault or chronic sexualpressure in your relationship, call an abuse hotline or a rape hotline, even ifyou don’t feel that the term rape applies to what your partner did.""
""The longer you are with an abuser, and the moredestructive he becomes, the harder it can be to extricate yourself.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""The abuser sees an argument as war.His goal ina verbal conflict is not to negotiate different desires, understand each other’s experiences,or think of mutually beneficial solutions. He wants only to win.Winning is measured by who talks the most, who makes the most devastatingor ‘humorous’ insults (none of which is funny to his partner),and who controlsthe final decision that comes out of the debate. He won’t settle for anythingother than victory. If he feels he has lost the argument, he may respond bymaking a tactical retreat and gathering his forces to strike again later.""
""If we want abusers to change, we will have to requirethem to give up the luxury of exploitation. When you are left feeling hurt orconfused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself:What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefitto him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head andidentify his tactics.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""An abuser minimizes his behavior by comparinghimself to men who are worse than he is, whom he thinks of as ‘real’ abusers.If he never threatens his partner, then to him threats define real abuse. If heonly threatens but never actually hits, then real abusers are those who hit.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""An abusive man’s good periods are an important andintegrated aspect of his abuse, not something separate from it.""
""Contrary to what some abusive men seem to believe,women do not find abuse sexy. When a woman’s partner calls her ‘bitch’ or ‘whore,’mocks her, or physically intimidates her, the image of entwining herselfintimately with him recedes far from her mind. How can you ‘make love’ after someonehas just treated you in a way that feels more like hatred? Abusive men do notgrasp how ugly they appear when acting cruel.""
""If a man cheats, that is 100 percent his ownresponsibility. Don’t let him channel your anger toward the other woman as ifhe were the helpless victim of a seduction. Abusive men love to portraythemselves as unable to control their hormonal urges, which is nonsense.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Apply the principle of ‘no third chances.’ When aman, especially an abusive one, cheats for the second time, that means thatmore affairs will follow, no matter what promises he may make.""
""Many women want to have a sexually intense partner,which is fine; men don’t have to cheat to be sexy. Abusive men love to createthe impression that their sexual wandering is a product of how passionate theyare. But the reality is that sexual passion and faithfulness are entirelycompatible. The reason he cheats is because he is a manipulator, not becausehe’s sexy.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Cartoons and jokes in pornography often insult ordegrade women and their anatomy, or even make rape appear funny, feedinganti-female ways of thinking.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""Abusive men absolutely need to be kept away frompornography, as it feeds the precise thinking that drives their abusiveness.""― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
""If you feel uncomfortable about sexual interactionswith your partner, listen carefully to your inner voice regarding what is goodfor you. An abusive man will try to tell you that your discomfort is your ownproblem rather than a product of his coercive, disrespectful, or humiliatingsexual behavior.""
""You cannot, I am sorry to say, get an abuser to work on himself by pleading, soothing, gentlyleading, getting friends to persuade him, or using any other non-confrontationalmethod. I havewatched hundreds of women attempt such an approach without success. The way you can help himchange is to demand that he do so, and settle for nothing less.""
""The only time an abusive man will deal with his issues enough to become someone you can livewith is when you prove to him, and to yourself, that you are capable of living without him. And onceyou succeed in doing so, you may very well decide that living without him is what you would ratherdo. ""
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Sarah KanwalI am a book lover and a self-development addict.My website shares my journey. Here, you will find pearls of wisdom that i have handpicked from books,and i will also give you my HONEST opinion about different books.Visit profile